the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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