Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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