She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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