i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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