I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
