it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just invented taco cereal.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize