You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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