He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
