Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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