i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
