at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
