There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
