I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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