matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
