escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
