i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
