she woke up with a sticky ear
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
