In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her