I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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