They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
