seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
