I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
