apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
