i need an iv and a liver transplant
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
