i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
