go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
