The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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