Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
