She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
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Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is Oprah even human
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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