She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
