i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
