i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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