I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
