then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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