Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
