weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
