Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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