dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
