Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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