awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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