I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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