my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
