Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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