I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
