So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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