I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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