My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
