remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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