whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
