Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
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We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I want a musical about memes.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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