I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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