Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
