Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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