Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie