His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
